How do you expect me to forgive myself?
by psychopathicangels
Summary: When Castiel suddenly regains his memories of his meetings with Naomi he has a mental break. Luckily, a familiar face shows up to help. Spoilers for 8/8 This episode gave me a relentless plot bunny.


**Awesome plot bunny + extremely tired = crappy but amusing writing. So after watching tonight episode of Supernatural (wasn't it amazing!), I had this idea that wouldn't let me sleep. Of course I'm just going to get on Tumblr after this so I don't know why I'm complaining. Spoilers for tonight's ep, If you haven't seen it don't read! Not the best writing I've ever done, (how do people write third person? I suck at it!) but whatever. My headcanon is that Chuck's God, until confirmation on the whole Metatron thing. If I ever add another chapter, Gabriel will come back. Biggest disappointment ever tonight! I want my BBY back so badly! *coughs* Anyway, fangirl rant over. I don't own anything, Eric Kripke and company do. Beta'd by me, so all mistakes are my own. I will probably edit this again tomorrow, because I'm sure I've left so mistakes in there. Enjoy! –Anna**

Castiel stares down at the angel blade in his hand, seeing his vessel's face reflected in it. It is a shame that it will be such a beautiful weapon that kills him.

Dean and Sam are working on another case. It has been a couple of days since Castiel stayed behind to watch Fred. While he tried not to show it (although Sam could completely tell), Dean is worried. After Castiel's confession when they talked, Dean wanted to be able to keep an eye on him.

Suddenly, Chuck appears in the room, looking flustered.

"Chuck!? What the hell?" Sam gasps and jumps a little at Chuck's sudden appearance into the middle of their crappy motel.

"I don't have time to explain. I'll be damned if Castiel dies one more time." Chuck replies with explanation, rushing over to Dean, who is sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Wait what? What's happened to Cas Chuck?" Dean demands, standing.

"_I knew something was wrong!" _

"He's going to kill himself. You _have_ to stop him! I'm sending you to Cas now." Chuck places two fingers on Dean's forehead.

A breeze ruffles Castiel's hair. When you think about it, it's strange that there is wind at all in heaven. Castiel had thought it fitting to return to the place where he slaughtered his brethren for his own ending. Castiel hopes it will be finale this time, and that no one will attempt to save him. He deserves to die. After all the things he's done, this tips over the iceberg. Being used as heaven's puppet to spy on the Winchesters. He didn't want to, but they erased his memories every time. Unexplainably, one moment at the Nursing home he suddenly remembered all of his encounters with Naomi.

"_If Dean and Sam find out they will think I've betrayed them again." _

Castiel presses the blade to his ribcage, and it is snatched out of his hand.

"What the fuck are you thinking Cas!" Dean shouts, flinging the blade away on the ground.

Castiel looks at Dean, astonished that he appeared in heaven.

"D- Dean. How did you get here?" He questions.

"Chuck randomly shows up ranting about how you're going to off yourself. But never mind that Cas! I thought we had worked everything out earlier? Why are you suddenly so eager to out the lights out?" Dean asks.

"Because they're using me!" Castiel bursts out, turning away from Dean.

"What do you mean? Who's using you Cas?" Dean grabs Castiel's shoulder and pulls him back to face himself.

"Naomi. She's an angel. They're forcing me to spy on you and Sam. But they erase my memories afterword's so that way I cannot warn you!" Castiel sways, losing the ability to continue standing.

"Woah, woah. Sit down before you fall over." Dean says, pushing Castiel all the way to the ground. After Castiel sits, Dean follows.

"So you're not doing it intentionally right? So this Naomi is a bitch, we'll deal with it just like everything else. You do not need to kill yourself over this Cas!" Dean insists, as Castile chokes back a sob.

"B- But I've done so many terrible things. Betraying and lying to you, breaking Sam's wall, killing Balthazar, opening Purgatory, killing all of those people on earth, and all the destruction in heaven. That's all my fault Dean! Why should I deserve to live when those others didn't?" Castiel is all out crying now, the guilt of everything he's done breaking his stoic mask.

"Cas, God. We've forgiven you for everything already. _I've_ forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself." Dean says, wrapping his arms around Castiel, who buries his face in Dean's chest.

After several minutes, Castiel lifts his head, dried tear tracks on his cheeks. He nods, and mumbles. "Alright."

"Good. Come on. You're going to stay with me and Sam all the time now. No poofing off to go angst. Can you zap us back to the hotel?" Dean asks, helping Castiel up.

"Yes."

When Castiel and Dean return to the typical crappy Winchester motel, they see a shell shocked Sam, and Chuck sitting across from him.

Castiel blinks, noticing something different about Chuck. And it's not just that he's dressed properly, and has actually taken a shower within the past 24 hours.

"Chuck's God." Sam blurts out, still starring motionless at Chuck.

"What!? No fucking way! Seriously? _You'r_e God?" Dean says, while Castiel just stares, transfixed.

"Yeah. Sorry about the whole prophet thing. I was trying to go under the radar from angels, and being a prophet was the best excuse as to why I know everything." Chuck replies, not seeming a whole lot different from when he didn't act as God.

"Then why didn't you help us? During the apocalypse, with Lucifer, when we called over and over? We went to heaven and Joshua basically said that you told us to fuck off!" Dean yells, furious that God would reveal himself like a coward after everything's over.

"I never told Joshua that. He was lying. I didn't answer your calls because it would have made all your effort and care meaningless. I can't be there to fix all of humanities messes Dean. You wouldn't ever grow or evolve if I did."

"Then why did you leave heaven?" Castiel asks quietly.

"Because my favorite son, I wanted angels to experience free will. You were all in a rut, never thinking for yourselves, you stopped creating a long time ago, never learning or growing. I knew that if I stayed you would never work up the courage to think you yourselves. You would all be too irrationally afraid that I would automatically cut you down. You thought that because I locked away Lucifer, I would do the same to you, so you all became rigid and strict. I put Lucifer in his prison though, not because of his freedom of thought, but because his thoughts where to destroy humanity. Of course I see now that my grand plan to allow you freedom was a failure. You needed guidance and advice, and I should have there to give it to you." Chuck rises from his chair, walking to Castiel and placing a hand on his cheek.

"I'm sorry Castiel."

Sam and Dean were in awe, now truly convinced that Chuck is God. Castiel was stunned, but still managed to say, "Thank you. But I should be the one apologizing."

Chuck drops his hand, sighing at his unbelievable creations. Why are the most beautiful ones always so full of self-hatred?

"I forgive you for all your past wrong doings Cas. You should take Dean's advice and do the same." Chuck steps more in the middle of Team Free Will.

"Go back to Bobby's old junk yard. There you'll find my way of apologizing." With a wink, Chuck disappears.

"I- I don't even. Let's just go to Bobby's." Sam says, moving to pack up his stuff.

It takes them three days to drive to Bobby's old place, not much is said on the ride over. Dean played his cassettes even louder than usual to block out the silence.

Once Dean pulls up to their old home, because that's what Bobby's was, home, his jaw falls open. The place was fully rebuilt, down to the last old bear bottle lying in the dirt.

"Oh my God." Sam breaks into a grin.

"We need to come up with a new saying for that." Castiel replies, looking happily at the lot as well.

"Let's go in." Dean announces excitedly, stopping Baby right where it is and leaping out.

Team free will enters Bobby's house, and finds the man himself standing in the middle of the room, smiling.

"Bobby!" Sam and Dean cry simultaneously, running over to him and smothering him in a rare double Winchester hug.

"Did God bring you back?" Castiel asks, glad that Bobby is back as well, although he isn't as dramatic as the brothers.

"Yep. Who would 'a thought that old sleazy prophet was God the whole time?" Bobby replies, still his same old scruffy self.

"You're you too. Not ghost you." Sam says, looking around the room, delighted to have it all back.

"Yeah, sorry you boys had to go through that. Next time I bite the bullet I won't dodge my reaper. Beer?" Bobby asks while headings towards the fridge.

"Definitely." Dean says, looking around the house as well.

"I see you're back Cas. No longer crazy from the Leviathan bein' in ya?" Bobby asks, handing both Sam and Dean a beer. He offers Castiel one, who politely declines.

"I am no longer insane; Purgatory seemed to clear my prospective." Castiel replies, taking a seat on the edge of the couch.

"Purgatory? You boys need to fill me in."


End file.
